Women, oh yeah...

So I guess this is where I challenge myself and write something a bit "personal."

I started this whole "self-exploration through writing" because I had a head over heals crush with one of my friends and honestly I wrote about that stuff for two reasons:

1. She liked poems.

2. I was too much of a chicken as an overweight socially awkward teen to just tell her unapologetically how "madly" in "love" I was with her.

So what makes me mention this...I guess you could say I find myself in a similar position, one with a little more "meat on its bones."

I'll be the first to say that I've never been a smooth guy. I've done all the "non-traditional" stuff that most "unadjusted" guys will do (chat rooms, long distance unseen girlfriends). However some of that I'd attribute to just being busy with other stuff(school and now career), or conveniently distracted to never have to worry about getting rejected.

So where is this rambling going? I have to say that even now I'm not sure I understand women lol. I mean on one hand talking to women isn't hard anymore thanks to a couple of revelations I've had. However it gets a lot more complicated when dealing with the ones(the one) that you have a deeper bond with than just a name exchange and some random bantering that spawns.

Moving on when you are still in love with someone is challenge and one I'm facing right now. Part of me looks forward to the next moment I can spend time with her, but the part of me that is looking for something concrete and committed is resentful of:

1. My weakness to keep allowing her to have access to relationship benefits without any actual relationship being there.

2. Me accepting the convenience of not looking anywhere else for something meaningful.

I mean its a bad situation when being open and accessible doesn't bring you each any closer, it just gives each of you each a fix, a momentary satisfaction that neither of you want to make the commitment to sharing exclusively with each other. I don't want to shut anyone out of my life, but I think that if two people aren't defining what they are and what they mean to each other, that if they continue to blur the lines between friends and couple, that ultimately the one that cares a little more, the one that wants to be a couple a little more will get hurt when the other person finds someone that they want to commit to. I don't want to be around to have to answer the question of did I care too much, or did I have too much of myself invested into some shapeless void of companionship when things resolve themselves to what they are destined to be...